Book II - The Wildest Stories Ever Told

Part II - The Story of Noah and the Great Flood

Some years ago someone gave me a thick, heavy bible that was published around the turn of the century. A novel feature about this particular  book, a King James Version edition, was that it captioned every page in the Old Testament not only with titles, but also with a precise date, as  if to emphasize that each of the events and stories chronicled was an historical fact, whose year in history was well known. Apparently 80 or 90  years ago, they could get away with indulging in the risky art of lying with pretended precision. Today no publisher would dare to emulate such  effrontery.

In this particular edition the date attached to the Great Flood story was the year 2348 B.C.E.

Now let us examine just what the King James Version says about that Great Flood that supposedly covered this Planet Earth to the top of its  highest mountains and beyond. It is a droll story.

In Genesis, the first book of the Jewish bible, is unraveled the story of how a lonesome spirit floating aimlessly in the dark void for the last  zillion years, suddenly, only six thousand years ago, got the brilliant idea of creating "heaven and earth" out of nothing. He wrapped up the  whole job in six days, and more or less as an afterthought created man on the sixth and final day. He then told man to go to it, be fruitful and  multiply and populate the earth with people. (See "The Story of Adam and Eve" in Racial Loyalty No. 37.)

This apparently they did with gusto, according to Genesis, but they had this damn nagging flaw in them they were "sinful", and each  generation continued to be as sinful as the previous, if not more so. Finally this began to get under the Creator's skin and he got mad - real  mad.

He decided something drastic had to be done and he had just the ticket for these nasty sinners: he would drown them all, like a bunch of rats.  That should not only solve the problem, but also teach them a lesson they would never forget.

In Genesis 6:12 it says: "And God looked upon the earth, and behold it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth."  Nowhere does it say that perhaps the Creator had somehow botched his prize creation, man, and done a sleazy job. After al, he knew what he  was doing, knew the precise consequences forwards and backwards, and everything was under his control. Why did he inject this sinful  characteristic into mankind if he didn't like it?

The bible doesn't answer this question, but pretends it was totally the fault of the product rather than the designer, because "He gave man a  freewill". Freewill in what direction?

Be that as it may, he decided to take precipitate action and get rid of his masterpiece all of them all except a fellow by the name of Noah  and his immediate family.

Now this fellow, Noah, by this time was six hundred years old, and we would think that after having been under close observation for all that  time a shrewd judge of character would have selected a paragon of virtue to be the lone surviving progenitor of the future race. Strangely  enough the lonesome ghost made a poor choice, a boo-boo, in selecting Noah, as we shall see later.

Anyway, God told Noah what was coming up and he had better get ready for it. In Genesis 6:17 he says to Noah: "And behold, I, even I, do  bring flood waters upon the earth to destroy all flesh, wherein is the breath of life, from under heaven; and everything that is in the earth shall  die."

Poor animals; poor birds; even all the creepy-crawlies were to die. In fact, all flesh. However, it does not mention that all the fish who also  were flesh would have a field day.

So the Lord told Noah to get ready for the greatest deluge in history. He told him to build an "ark", a sort of floating motel for people, animals,  snakes, insects and birds. He told him to build it out of gopher wood and to build it in three stories. It was to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide  and 30 cubits high. Since a cubit is about 1 8 inches, this would make it about 450 feet long, by 75 feet wide, by 45 feet high, three stories yet  no small project to hammer together by the stick method, especially since nails had yet to be invented.

The Lord gave this six hundred year old man and his three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth, seven days in which to do the job. Not only were  they to hammer together out of gopher wood this huge monstrosity in seven days and seal it watertight with pitch, but there is more, much  more, they had to cram together in seven days.

The Lord instructed Noah to gather into this floating motel at least one pair of every kind of creature on the face of the earth, since he was  going to drown all the rest along with his sinful people. Poor animals, birds, reptiles, and insects. What had they done to deserve this? Such a  waste.

When you analyze the immensity of the job Noah had to perform in seven days, it staggers the imagination. Poor fellow, and him being six  hundred years old. In Genesis 6:19 the Lord commands Noah: "And of every living thing of all flesh, two of every sort shalt thou bring into the  ark, to keep them alive with thee; they shall be male and female." Now, "every living thing" of course, also includes insects, not to mention  animals, birds, reptiles and other categories. Since approximately six thousand years later scientists claim there are at least 10 million species  of insects of which they have, after all these years, gotten around to identifying and cataloguing only about 1 percent, you can form some idea  of the immensity of the job that Noah had on his hands.

According to a pulicologist. Professor Robert Lewis, there are 2,381 species of fleas in this world. (A pulicologist is a flea specialist, of which  there exist only about a dozen.) Now, did Noah realize there were 2,381 species of fleas to round up and did he faithfully catch two of each,  male and female, and put them in the ark? Or did the poor jerk know a flea from a louse? On having put 4,762 fleas into the ark, how did he

keep them from spreading to all those cooped up animals and multiplying into the billions? The Jewish scriptwriters neglect to shed any light on  this problem, as well as hundreds of other problems.

He only had seven days to do it in, which included building the ark itself. Would you believe your own daddy if he told you a tail tale like that?

But the Jewish scribbler's who wrote that story complicate it further by saying in the next chapter. Genesis 7:2: "Of every clean beast thou shalt  take to thee by sevens, the male and the female: and beasts that are not clean by two, the male and the female."

So, Noah had a further problem: deciding which beasts are clean and which are unclean. Are elephants, rhinoceroses, hippos, and giraffes  clean? I presume they are as clean as any animal, at least in their own habitat. So evidently, he would have to round up 14 of each of these, as  well as horses, zebras, deer and antelope, not to mention lions and tigers and monkeys and gorillas. The task is endless, and even Frank  "Bring 'em back alive" Buck, could not have accomplished this little feat in a lifetime. Then there are all those birds to catch, and all those  snakes, pythons and cobras, and alligators. (I wonder how he got to Australia and back to catch the kangaroos and wallabies?) What a  fantastic job all in what was left over of the seven days after he got through building the ark.

But the job doesn't end there. They were to be cooped up in this watertight box for a whole year. It only had one small window at the top, one  cubit square, and it was closed because it was raining. There was no light from any source, no electricity, no ventilation, no air conditioning. All  these animals had to be provided with at least a year's forage of whatever food they preferred. How would you like to gather enough hay to  feed 14 elephants, rhinos, hippos, giraffes and thousands of other animals? Also, the lions, tigers and other meat eating animals, they, too, had  to be fed and there was no cold storage refrigeration on board. On top of this was the messy job of cleaning out all the manure and offal from  all these thousands of animals. Who was in charge of that stinky job? Fourteen elephants alone can do quite a job in short order. If all these  animals were really in there and properly fed, they would have sunk that stinking ark within a week from the sheer weight of the refuse alone.

Anyway, according to this wild story the Lord himself sealed the door of this watertight box after they were all in, hay or no hay. A trainload of  hay would not have fed all those browsing animals, and a million rabbits would not have fed all the meat eating animals for a year. If all these  "creatures of the flesh" could have been crammed into that dark and unventilated box (which they could not) they would all have suffocated  from the stench and lack of oxygen within 24 hours. Whoever wrote that dumb story certainly didn't take logistics, or even the slightest  modicum of common sense into their calculations.

So, what with Noah having built the ark, rounded up all the millions of "creatures of the flesh", presumably provided them with ample  provender, and also for his own family all in seven days the Lord sealed the door and let her rip.

In Genesis 7:11, 12 it says: "In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, in the second month, the seventeenth day of the month, the same day  were all the foundations of the great deep broken up, and the windows of heaven were opened. And the rain was upon the earth forty days and  forty nights."

Evidently all you had to do was open the windows in heaven and the water will gush out by the ocean full. Now that is real news. I had always  been told that heaven was a wide airy place inhabited by harp playing angels. But evidently I was misinformed. It is filled with billions and  billions of tons of water. Since that huge fiery pit called hell is right next door to it, I would presume that they would have a rough time  containing all that water and getting a good hot fire going at the same time. Or having done so, why doesn't the good Lord have mercy on all  those poor sinners cooped up in that fiery pit, open the windows on the hell side and douse that excruciatingly painful fire? I'm sure the victims  therein would appreciate it, even if he had to drown them all along with it. It would be a lot better than eternal torture.

Good point. Why doesn't he open the windows on the hell side, deluge it with all that water, douse the fire and drown the inmates. They would  greatly prefer that. I'm sure. It would be a tremendous "relief from that burning sensation."

Getting back to poor Noah and his family cooped up in the ark with all those millions of "creatures of the flesh," and all that stench.

According to this wild story as it rained for forty days and nights, the waters rose and rose until it covered all the land of this fair planet, over  and above the highest mountain tops. Now considering Mount Everest is more than 29 thousand feet high, that is one hell of a lot of water,  more than our atmosphere could ever hold, or again re- absorb. But no problem for the scriptwriters. Within a year it had all subsided, and dried  up. Noah and his family all survived beautifully and not a single "creature of the flesh" had starved or was lost in the stench and the darkness.  After one year, the land was dry, the forests and the flowers were all intact after having been submerged under six miles of water for a year,  and all the animals, birds, in- sects and reptiles traipsed out the door, happy as a lark and healthy as all get-out. Not a single mouse, mosquito  or louse got sick or died during that year they were boxed up. Wasn't that nice.

So every creature resumed mating and multiplying (with gusto!) to make up for lost time. They now had a brand new world to fill!

After building an altar to the Lord, Noah, "took of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl and offered burnt offerings on the altar."

Since there are thousands of beasts and foul in this world, one as clean as the next, it must have been some bang-up barbecue. But the  Jewish God, being a bloodthirsty monster, relished it greatly. After drowning millions of people, and billions of "creatures of the flesh" it says:  "And the Lord smelled a sweet savour." Nothing like burning flesh to get his Juices flowing. He must really get his kicks sniffing the burning  flesh of billions in hell. The Jewish Bible is full of offerings of burning flesh. Anyway, that smell of burning flesh mellowed him and he promised  Noah that he would never again do what he had just done that is drown everybody, no matter how rotten they were. Just to remind himself  not to pull this nasty trick again, he set a rainbow in the cloud. Just to make sure he would remember to cease and desist and not go overboard  again.

But to get on with the show. Apparently a layer of water six miles high for a year had not noticeably affected the forests, the trees, the grasses  and the meadows, nor the vineyards, for It says. Genesis 9:20,21 : "And Noah began to be a husbandman and he planted a vineyard: And he  drank of the wine, and was drunken; and he was uncovered in his tent."

Poor Noah. Back to his old tricks of nipping at the kickapoo joy juice. He not only nipped, he was stinking drunk and naked in his tent, dead to  the world. While in this shameful condition, his three sons. Ham, Shem and Japheth saw him. The latter two were embarrassed and covered  him up. But apparently Ham was a fag, a homo, and he went back and committed an obscene act with his drunken father.

It says in Genesis 9:24: "And Noah awoke from his wine and knew what his younger son had done unto him."

He roundly cursed Ham and doomed him to be a "servant of servants to his brethren", in other words, a slave. Not only did he doom Ham to a  slave, but, all his descendants as well. All the dark skinned, niggers and muds are considered by theologians to be the descendants of Ham.

And so, we have another episode in the family of the Noah's as they set out to become the progenitors of all future mankind. The Lord had  goofed again, and made a lousy choice in picking such a drunken lout as Noah to be the father of future mankind. (See C.C. No. 54 in the  White Man's Bible, "The Lonesome Ghost Blunders from Blooper to Blooper all at the Expense of Suffering Humanity".)

Drunk or sober, the now 601 year old Noah lived on for another 350 years after the flood, if you care to believe such a wild story.

Evidently there are intelligent men and women, people who should know better, who will strip gears, throw their brains out of gear, and profess  that such a wild story is the "gospel truth". This despite all the accumulated knowledge of history, geology, astronomy, anthropology and  paleontology that overwhelmingly indicates: that the world has been around for approximately 5 billion years; that there has been life on earth  for more than two billion years; that man's ancestors can be spasmodically traced for more than a million years; that civilized peoples, such as  the Egyptians, existed long before the supposed "Great Flood" of 2348 B.C.E.; that their dynasties were recorded in considerable detail long  before that date; and that the deserts on either side of the Nile were as dry before that date as after. Also, their Pharaohs lived normal life spans and none reached the ridiculous age of 951 .

On the other hand, all that supports (if you can call it support) such a wild story is the lying claims of Jewish scriptwriters whose veracity at best  is notoriously the worst in history.

Yet intelligent and well-educated people, and I use these descriptions loosely, will go and organize expeditions at great expense to their  donors, to find traces of a lost ark, an ark that never existed. They will go to Mount Ararat in Turkey, where the non-existent ark is supposed to  have made landfall. There is not the slightest connection between Mount Ararat in Turkey and the Jewish account, except for coincidence that  some yokel during the Byzantine rulership of Asia Minor chose the name Ararat for an inconsequential mountain, just as hundreds of other names were picked out of the bible by Christian zealots.

When these modern day "explorers" then find some old decrepit piece of wood on the slopes of Mount Ararat, they will scream to the world that  they have found a relic from Noah's ark and a cooperative Jewish press, with tongue in cheek, will gladly spread the story for them. The  Christian zealots of today, as in past centuries, will vociferously gobble it up and point with certainty that here is concrete evidence of Noah's  ark and that the Great Flood did in deed cover all of the earth.

How crazy can you get?

We Creators take the position that: It is not only morally justified, but our beholden duty to ridicule that which is ridiculous when such garbage is  deceitfully being disseminated as the "Gospel Truth".

It is not only morally justified, but our beholden duty to ridicule that which is ridiculous when such garbage is deceitfully being disseminated as  the "Gospel Truth".

The Christian con-artists in two thousand years have never even bothered to define the basic product they have been so vociferously  peddling. Pray tell me, Preacher, what is a "spirit"?

Book II - The Wildest Stories Ever Told

Part II - The Story of Noah and the Great Flood